Upheaval

Friends

The last few weeks have seen an over-haul in my life. Jeremiah and I are feeling more and more scattered, like butter scratched across crusty toast, and less and less realistic about our expectations of life and life’s expectations of us.

I’ve come to admit that I hate working evenings but I insist on loving nursing and my patients. Meanwhile, Jeremiah has come to admit that eating supper alone night after night wasn’t “what he signed up for” but insists that he loves me, just wishes that “me” was around a little more often.

As a response to my husband’s loneliness and my exhaustion, I’ve cut back on hours at work, quit picking up every unfilled hole in the schedule. All the same, I still missed my brother’s thirtieth birthday party, telling myself “There’s always next time” only to realize these events in life only happen once. Sure, there’s the next family gathering but a next “Luke’s Turning Thirty” get-together simply won’t ever be.  I blew it.

While I slowly unearth my goals and priorities for life, Jeremiah is scrounging for time to manage our community garden project, study for his CPA, master his job as an auditor, and tackle the pile of dishes I’ve left behind in my dash to play Super Woman: nursing, mentoring, studying, visiting.

We’ve recently encountered the frigid reality of depression in many of our friends, and in this odd company, I’ve begun identifying a few of my own dark, despairing demons. Am I depressed? My marriage makes me joyful. Jeremiah is the best thing in my life since my birth. The rest of my life, however, is a messy roadway of deserted hopes.

Also, on the rare weekends we’ve had together, Jeremiah and I have chased our “land lust” up hill and dale, only to find one apartment after another already rented, or a sewer in disrepair, or a seemingly generous land-owner crazy. More than that, we’ve realized that, actually, we’re too “busy” to tend chickens, work pastures, plant apple trees. Both of us went to school and landed professional jobs with the practical, yet dreamy intention of using those jobs to pay for our true loves, Vermont and agriculture.  But, as Jeremiah says, “You’re gone all the time anyway, Grace.”

In the house-wife world, it’s pretty well near jam-making season, and I guess I too have hit the boiling point. My schedule is bubbling over with empty activity and silenced emotions.  It’s time to blow some steam and boil down to the “sugar” of life. It’s time to clean out, pack up, and move on to what I truly love and those that truly love me.

If this blog post is anything, it’s a vague promise to take greater stock in what I’ve been given. It’s a promise to be honest and to share my honesty. It’s a promise to celebrate the joy and contentment of my marriage and disregard the rest. It’s a promise to stay in touch with old friends and quit dialing the number of obligatory relationships. It’s a promise to reignite the dreams of my girlhood and temper them with the wisdom of my failures. A promise to go forth with confidence and grace.

Happy Thursday, all!

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6 thoughts on “Upheaval

  1. Grace,
    Although your words are sad, I’m encouraged to see that your struggles are moving you forward. But I notice One that is missing from your musings – God. Have the two of you asked Him what He wants of your life? He is more important than jobs or land or even girlhood dreams. “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matt 6:33. I don’t mean to preach, but all other pursuits are pointless without Him.
    Rob

    • Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Carter. It is GOOD to be reminded of God’s supremacy and lordship in our lives! In many ways, that’s exactly what I’ve been reminded of the past few weeks, that I am incomplete, that even my well-loved marriage is incomplete, but that Christ is hope and truth and perfect love. I guess I didn’t see this post as void of God but as a confession of human frailty. The next step — Hosanna! — is a celebration of God’s faithfulness in our lives. I love the paradox of our failures washed away by God’s forgiveness; it’s the rhythm of my life, realizing that I am poor, but He is rich. Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  2. Good communication and trust in one another’s good intentions is so important. I hope you two find ways to rework what’s not working. For one thing, there are ways you can support agriculture without doing it yourself — I’m sure you already do a lot of that — buying local eggs, having a CSA share or buying at the farmers market, that sort of thing.

    • Yes! Good communication! I don’t think we’ll ever quite master that one! 🙂 And, actually, we’ve built many forms of agriculture into our lives already — starting a community garden at our church, participating in a CSA through my job, butchering meat chickens with a friend, and buying rich, jersey milk from our neighbor. We’re just so impatient to have it all on our own, the land, the livestock, the gardens. Patience and good communication, gotta work on both of those! 🙂
      Thanks for reading and for your wonderful comments.

  3. Pingback: Ten Things: the Pops Edition « Pie in the Sky

  4. Wow – Grace, I almost feel as though I need to email you. In fact, I think I will – as soon as I find an address that will bring my thoughts to your inbox 😉
    With warm affection,
    Andi

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